OKAY, CUPID! YOUR AIM WAS WAAAAAAYYY OFF!!!

At the beginning of June, I was starting to get used to the idea of living alone again, and the panic that had occupied my core for the few months prior was starting to dissipate considerably. At that point, I was counting the days and getting really excited for my ex to move out and my new single life to begin.

I thought I might get a head start on the dating front. A few of my close friends suggested I start an account with an online dating service called OKCupid, which caters to both gay and straight folk. Apparently, it had worked out tremendously for them and their friends so I thought, "Why not?" and signed up. Within three days I was sitting at a table in Starbucks off West End Avenue waiting for my first date.

I suppose my first mistake was agreeing to date someone with the same name. Dave rolled in about 20 minutes late, sat across from me and introduced himself while shaking my hand, vigorously. I immediately noticed that he didn't look anything like his profile pictures and I tried to manage a halfhearted smile as bits of dry skin flakes from his face fell on top of the tiny table in which we were sitting. When we got to the front counter to order drinks, he asked me what I wanted. I said that I was going to get an iced chai with soy milk but that I would order and buy it myself. He wouldn't let me. He turned to the barista, gave her his order then said, while pointing to me...

"..and I'll have an iced chai with soy milk for my baby!"

JAW DROP! His baby? What was even creepier was the fact that he pronounced the word baby as "beh-beh" and he proceeded to refer to me as his "beh-beh" for the two hours that we sat and talked, or rather the two hours that HE talked.

During that time, I discovered three things. We had the exact same birthday ~ even down to the same year, we couldn't be anymore different from each other, and I really just wanted to go home.

I used the excuse that I needed to take my dog for her final walk of the evening. As I stood up, he said he would walk me to my car. I shrugged and said, "Oh that's okay. You don't have to." Clearly he didn't take the hint, as after we walked outside he grabbed my hand and held on. I pulled it away and pretended to look for my phone. When we arrived at my car, he asked, "So what are we doing tomorrow?"

"Oh..." I paused, "I'm actually going to New York tomorrow. My friend, Samantha just had a baby and I'm going to spend a few weeks with her...but I'll...um...I'll be back."

Total lie! Yes, my friend Samantha DID live in New York and yes she DID have a baby, but that was over a year ago and, of course, I really WASN'T going to see her.

"Call me when you get back." he said and glided in for a goodnight kiss. SKIN FLAKES! I moved my head to the side so that all he got was a peck on the cheek.

"Have a good night." is all I could manage as I rushed to get in the car. On the way home, I brushed bits of his dead skin off my check and thought to myself, "Yikes!"

My second date from OKCupid occurred right after the whole "Jules Debacle" ended (see Blog #2). This time, I decided to go for an older gentlemen. I figured the maturity level would be better, and hopefully I'd end up with someone who was sane, respectful and didn't have a penchant for breaking into people's houses.

I met Chris at Ginza, which is a tiny sushi joint close to where I work.He was a 40 year old, Italian cutie...sort of a stockier version of Tony Ward, but as we introduced ourselves, I noticed that his teeth were blue. I assumed that maybe he'd had a blueberry slurpee or something before we met, but no...at the end of the date, they were still blue.

He talked about his job for the entirety of our meal. YAWN! And every time he dipped a sushi roll into his wasabi soy and put it in his mouth, he closed his eyes, pursed his lips and made an ungodly sound. After the third time, I had to ask!

"Um...are you okay?"

"Oh yeah!" he said, "I'm just savoring each roll! So good!"

"Yeah." I replied, trying so hard not to laugh.

The checks came and he sprung the news that he had to be back at work around 9:30pm for a meeting. He is the head baker at Whole Foods Market, which was less than a mile down the road. We had about an hour and a half to spare, so he invited me over to his apartment, which was diagonally across the street from Whole Foods. He said he wanted to show me an episode of his favorite reality TV show. Why not, right? I had nothing better to do.

The reality show turned out to be "Real Mobster Housewives of New York" or something stupid like that. Five minutes in, I wanted to claw out my eyes! Ten minutes before his meeting was to start, he informed me that he didn't have a car and inquired if I might give him a lift. I did, of course, but after my last boyfriend (who was also without a vehicle) I vowed that anyone else I involved myself with in the future would own a car! On the way to Whole Foods, I decided that the sushi roll groans, the "Mobster Housewives" and the lack of wheels were all deal breakers!

Date #3 occurred a week later on a nice Wednesday evening at Bongo Java West. Jason was also older ~ 42 to be exact. Bi-sexual, Trader Joe's stock boy...er...man...person, and an avid reader. In fact, when I joined him on the front porch, he was in the middle of reading a Robert Harris mystery. We talked about anything and everything for three hours and had a great conversation. This guy seemed cool. Very laid back and comfortable with himself. Before we parted company, he invited me out on a second date for the upcoming weekend. Dinner and a movie! I felt good about him so I accepted. On the way home that night, I was happy! No flaky skin or blue teeth! No bad reality shows and no calling me "beh-beh"! FINALLY! We have a winner!

Or so I thought. When I picked him up on Saturday evening, he smelled SOOOOO bad! I usually make it a point to shower before a date, as well as brush my teeth, put on deodorant and douche...just in case! ;) On the way to Green Hills Cinema, he talked...and talked...and talked...mostly about people I didn't know or little known, useless trivia that I didn't care about. He asked me maybe one or two questions the entire date, but I would get a few sentences into my answer before he would interrupt me and start into another story about himself.

While we were pulling into the parking garage, he said, "By the way, I don't have money on me at all. Can you spot me for the ticket and dinner tonight? I'll get you back next time."

"S...sure." I replied.

"Green Lantern" wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Very entertaining. Peter Sarsgaard was genius as always, and I didn't mind all the underwear clad shots of Ryan Reynolds. What I DID mind was Jason's incessant rambling through the whole movie! A self confessed "comic book geek", he had no qualms about pointing out all the inaccuracies of this movie adaptation.

The credits rolled and I turned to Jason and said, "I'm starving! Where would you like to eat?"

"Actually dude, I'm getting kind of tired. I think maybe I should head home."

And so the second date with my third OKCupid match ended. I guess I should feel blessed that I didn't have to buy him dinner as well, but I was bummed at how drastically different he was compared to our first date.

On the way home, I told him about my painting project (see Blog #3) to which he asked, "Are there also any guys that are posing nude for you?"

"Of course." I replied.

"I don't know how I feel about that." he said as he turned away and looked out the window.

Are you kidding me? Two basically platonic dates and already he's acting like a jealous boyfriend? I think not! I dropped him off and never contacted him again. He sent me a text message about a week later saying...

"I really enjoyed our coffee date."

That was it. Of course he didn't say anything about the abysmal second date...but then, why would he? I didn't respond back.

Okay, Cupid! I get the joke! You took your aim at me but you must have been on a bender because you were way off the mark!

I deleted my OKCupid account the next day and decided that if I date someone else in the near future, it's going to have to happen organically...like meeting through a mutual friend or striking up a conversation at a park or cafe about dogs or music or zucchini bread. I don't know.

The shame of it all is that there was a fourth candidate on OKCupid that I was really interested in meeting more than the other three. Someone I felt I had more in common with. We've texted a lot but for some reason, he doesn't have any interest in meeting me. I've made plenty of efforts but he hasn't really had any desire to even meet me halfway. And so it goes...this soldier knows...the shop must close...when the careless oppose...

Even though nothing worked out, and two of the four dates were dreadful, I am proud that I put myself out there. I also enjoyed the process itself. It gave me something new and unexpected to do, and it got me out of my own head as well as my "comfort zone" (say that like Jerri Blank) for a few weeks at least.

In retrospect, I SHOULD have told Dave not to call me "beh-beh", hold my hand or kiss on the first date. I SHOULD have told Chris that I didn't like reality TV and that it was his responsibility to get himself to his meeting...and I SHOULD have told Jason that I wasn't going to pay for his movie and asked him what exactly he meant when he said he didn't like the idea of men posing nude for my paintings. But I didn't and it is what it is.

What I learned from the whole dating experience was that I really don't need the company of other men to know my own worth. I don't need to adapt and change who I am in order for someone to see it, either! And even though I was just being myself on these dates, I think in the future I will also stand up for myself and not allow anyone to sway me into doing something I'm not comfortable with or not interested in doing.

From now on, "Dating Dave" will just be who he always was. :)