I figured that another blog entry was long overdue...
Paralysis
Depression has been an ongoing obstacle for me. It started at 13 years old and continues to this day. From my last blog entry up until about a month ago, I was thoroughly consumed by it. If I wasn't working at Levy's, I was home laying in bed, sitting on the couch distracting myself with a movie, or in the kitchen cooking unhealthy food. All of my projects and personal goals fell by the wayside. I can pinpoint the main reason as loneliness. I still wasn't over my ex and that void grew bigger and enveloped everything else around me. The other reasons still remain an enigma.
It really wasn't until the end of October that I finally "woke up" and realized the past was dead and the only way to make myself happy was to focus on the present. If I was proactive about the "here and now" then that would translate into a prosperous future where I could be content. It was such an easy answer. I WAS my problem but I AM my solution as well.
Cherub Redux
In September, whilst buried within said melancholia, I reactivated my OKCupid account and dated a nice boy (we'll call him Spencer) for about a month. I'll try to make this concise as possible. Sushi for the "get to know you" first date, then the next three weekends spent at his place. Spencer was a nice guy ~ a tad high maintenance, but that was okay. I was up front with him about my lack of interest in jumping into another relationship. I told him I just wanted to date, have fun, enjoy the company of men and not limit myself to one person. He was completely amicable and said he felt the same. I thought, "Cool. If there isn't a romantic spark in the future, at least I've made a new friend."
The first two weekends at his place consisted of cooking and watching horror movies...BAD horror movies ("Insidious", "Rob Zombie's Halloween", etc) and I was perfectly fine with that. I enjoyed his company. The one thing about him that threw me off was that he ALWAYS wore make-up. Full on foundation, eyeliner and penciled in eyebrows. That was his thing. I didn't judge, but it was like kissing a younger version of John Lithgow if he were the M.C. from "Cabaret". And every time we kissed, he had to run to the bathroom to reapply. Speaking of which, his bathroom was a carnival of beauty products, complete with airbrush and caddies.
The third weekend found us in bed together for the first and last time. I had fun but after it was over, he started using the words, "I love you." YIKES! Then the text messages started coming every thirty minutes or so for the next few days. More "I love you's" and other sappy terms of endearment. He wanted me to start going over to his place every night after work. I felt trapped and it had to stop. I called him on a Wednesday evening and once again reiterated my stance on dating and relationships. I also told him I didn't feel a real romantic connection between the two of us but that I still wanted to hang out and be friends. This did not go over well. Long story short ~ we're not friends. There ya go. Moving onward...
Skin & Stars
I have decided to move my art show to March or April of 2012. Again, during the depression, I didn't get a damn thing done...so by Halloween, only two and a half paintings were complete. I'm proud to report that I have remedied this situation. I've picked up the brushes and furiously started back on this project. It's gonna keep me busy but luckily all my ideas are still intact, as well as the pictures of which some of you very generously posed. :)
Also of note is that I redecorated and repainted my apartment. It's amazing how adding a bit of color to one's environs can also contribute to smothering the gloom and doom. I can't wait for you all to see it! It's rare that I blatantly brag to others in regards to my accomplishments, but I'm extremely proud of what I've done to the place!
Hard Bodies
The McCabe Park Community Center opened their doors recently. They are located in Sylvan Park where Murphy Road meets 46th Avenue, literally two blocks from my house. Their gym is state of the art and membership is insanely cheap. So as you may have guessed, I'm back on the exercise bandwagon. The primary reason this time around is my health and well being. I always have so much more energy after I've gotten into a good exercise routine. The second reason involves a project that my friend, Chris and I are working on. This project REQUIRES me to exercise. I can't say too much about it right now, except that come May 2012, you will all have a hilarious surprise via Youtube. It's our intention to both inspire people and incite hysterical laughter with this endeavor. I'll post more details as the months progress.
Tiffany
Another big event that helped quell the loneliness and get me out of my funk was my best friend, Tiffany Minton becoming my new roommate. We had previously lived together twice before (2005 in Bellevue & 2007 off Belmont Blvd) and she has always been one of the best roomies I've ever had, as well as one of my nearest & dearest friends. I'm really excited she's here! We're gonna have fun turning our pad into a ship-shape showplace! Dinner parties, movie nights ~ they're always better when Tiff is involved.
The fourth member of our newly formed household is Tiffany's adorable cat, Leonard Kitty Cohen. It took about a month for Tuffy and Leonard to get used to each other. That was a huge concern in the beginning as Tuffy has never really been around cats before, and vice versa with Leonard. There were a few fights but I think now that both of them know that the other isn't going anywhere, they're cool. Tuffy wags her tail and runs over to Leonard, and he rubs his body against hers as a sign of affection. So things are working out in that department.
Modulation
Life has taken a positive shift these last two months. I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. We've got one more major holiday to get through before 2012 (a.k.a. the end of the world or the zombie apocalypse). My goals for the new year thus far are to get healthy and keep painting...oh yeah, and take a much needed two week vacation, which will be my first in almost 9 years. Oh, and of course run into the man I'm going to marry somewhere down the line...and write a book...and star in my own sitcom...and release a Top 10 record...and end world hunger...and start my own religion (Irwinology)...and sleep with Ryan Phillippe...those are attainable goals, right?
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
NEW WAVE QUEER CINEMA AND ME!!!
Cinema has come a LONG WAY in the last 15+ years when it comes to both independent and mainstream queer films! They're everywhere these days, and some of them have even been nominated and won Academy Awards in one category or another. For this, I am very grateful because our youth of today have these celluloid gems to assure them that not only is the world changing, but they are not alone and it's okay to be EXACTLY who they are without shame!
I knew that I was attracted to boys when I was in Junior High, but there wasn't anything in the world of cinema at that time (late 80's) to validate that what I was feeling was completely normal. Gay characters during that period were predominantly in the background and were either designed as comic relief ("Look at the silly, sissy fag!") or as people to be pitied. Homosexuality back then was still deemed a psychological abnormality, and in the religion in which I was forced to participate, it was considered a "disease".
I kept my sexuality a secret for a long time. When I entered High School, EVERYTHING changed! Independent film makers and smaller distribution companies slowly started catering to gays and lesbians, releasing stories about REAL relationships and circumstances that REAL gay men and women were and HAD BEEN going through in their struggle for acceptance. Many new "period pieces" were also brought to the screen regarding said struggle. The era from 1990 to 1995 has now been dubbed by film scholars as the "New Wave Queer Cinema".
I got a Blockbuster membership (remember them?) on my 16th birthday and would scour each category for hours (as there was no gay/lesbian section back then) just looking for anything and everything that had something to do with a gay storyline. I discovered classics such as...
Edward II (Derek Jarman - 1992)
Poison (Todd Haynes - 1990)
Frisk (Todd Verow - 1995)
Total Eclipse (Agnieszka Holland - 1995)
For A Lost Soldier (Roeland Kerbosch - 1993)
Swoon (Daniel Schlachet - 1992)
As is common, I also found A LOT of movies that were just absolutely deplorable. Films that a less picky gay person would enjoy, using the "visibility at any cost" rationale, but even back then, I was still a film snob! No, thank you!!!
During that time, there were three films which, dare I say, shaped who I am, not only as a gay man but as an individual as well. Films with themes, emotions and sensations that I have continued to carry with me throughout my life. In the last two weeks, I sat down and watched all three of them again. I was startled at how each one STILL relates to my life and personal struggles after all these years. I realize now that the viewing process was just "supplementary sessions" in this self therapy I have going on with learning to be a stranger.
1. "The Living End" (Gregg Araki - 1992)
A hardcore, unsentimental road movie/romance between two HIV-positive gay men. Figuring they have nothing to lose, Jon (the sensitive caregiver) and Luke (the cynical rebel) hit the road and act out their bad-boy fantasies amid provocative conversations. These are infectiously quotable one-liners that would continue to be a staple throughout Araki's films even up to last year's "Ka-boom". I have watched "The Living End" a million times and never get tired of it. I find myself relating more to Jon but I really always wanted to be Luke for some reason. Throughout the film, Luke keeps fucking up every situation, much to the chagrin of Jon. Yet, ever the hopeless romantic, Jon keeps forgiving Luke's mistakes, despite the obvious fact that the two just aren't well suited for each other. Even after the film's scandalous climax (which I won't give away) we see Jon finally stand up for himself and walk away, leaving Luke sitting on the beach to reflect on how much of a fuck up he is, and the consequences his actions have manifested. Yet, 10 seconds later, Jon walks back and sits down next to Luke...proving yet again that love is blind, and forgiveness continues to overpower self reliance and independence.
THAT's the story of my life!!! I made my share of mistakes throughout the four years my ex and I were together...but my ex made a lot of BIG mistakes! Mistakes he wasn't conscientiously aware of at the time. Decisions that affected my own personal autonomy, and sometimes my sanity as well. Many times I really wanted to walk away, and was very close to doing so on occasion. Yet I always forgave him...he needed me...and I needed him. I realized, watching this film the other night, that the co-dependence between Jon and Luke was a huge mirror of my last relationship. When I watched this film for the first time at 16 years old, I thought it was romantic and I aspired to have a similar relationship. One of youthful decadence, steamy sex, and a "til death do us part" flight of fancy. I didn't realize it back then that the latter was just an unhealthy crutch. Now that I have lived it, I know that it's not for me. It never was. My next relationship MUST be vigorous and unrestricted ~ meaning we will share in each other's lives, yet still be free to do our own thing ~ our personal goals NOT overshadowed by the partnership!
2. "Heavenly Creatures" (Peter Jackson - 1994)
A very grisly yet touchingly beautiful character study which is based on the true story of author Anne Perry's childhood. In the film, she and her best friend, Pauline, conspire to murder Pauline's mother after both sets of parents threaten to separate them forever, thus ending their obsessive and "unhealthy" relationship. This movie is in my TOP 5 films of all time! Kate Winslet (in her very first movie) and Melanie Lynsky are simply superb! This is yet another gay film with tragic results, which is probably why I love it. Obsession with people, things, and dreams that are so real within the imagination and almost assuredly within one's grasp, yet sadly and completely unattainable in real life.
Again, that's me in a nut shell! Don't worry, I'm not an idiot. I'd never go as far as killing someone to make an unrealistic dream come true, but I do understand the frustration of obsession and not being in control of what I want most out of life and love. That was basically the last 5 months for me! All my hopes and dreams being dashed while trying so desperately to find a way to bring them back and make them a reality again! An impossibility when the one putting OUT the fire is the one you want to be IN the fire with in the first place. Le sigh...
3. "My Own Private Idaho" (Gus Van Sant - 1991)
A stylishly photographed road movie (what is it about gays and road films?) about 2 young street hustlers on their own personal vision quest. River Phoenix has never been better in my humble opinion. His character, Mike, not only suffers from narcolepsy, but from an unrequited love of Scotty (Keanu Reeves ~ the film's only weak point...but then Reeves is terrible in everything he's in, isn't he?) Scotty can't return Mike's love because he knows once he receives his inheritance, his life on the streets with the hustlers and junkies will be no more. But Mike is his best friend and he feels the need to help him find some sort of peace in his life. I can honestly say that River's performance and this whole movie in general made me realize who I was. It initiated the stamp on my forehead and finalized it! I'd been attracted to and fooled around with boys for years, but when I rented this film and watched it all the way through, I KNEW that I was gay...and the love that Mike had inside him for Scotty was the kind of love I hoped to feel for another man someday.
I rewound the movie (Oh my God! VHS? How old ARE you?) and watched the whole thing again, thinking in the back of my mind that the ending would be different. Nope - still a sad ending. In the years since that first viewing, I have also gone back and watched it, hoping the ending would be different, yet knowing better. This isn't a film that I've seen a lot, despite it being one of my favorites. I'll watch it about once every three years or so. It's just too sad and brings up way too many issues for me.
Especially now! After a year into our relationship, my ex broke up with me, using the lame excuse that he could never see himself in a relationship with ANYONE...EVER! Six months later, he said he made a mistake and asked me to come back to him, which of course I did. We had another three years together before he broke up with me again and used the same lame ass excuse as to why.
It reminds me of "My Own Private Idaho". It's the pure love I gave him that he wasn't able to give back because he didn't know himself and was uncertain about his future. It's like our first year together was my first viewing of that movie. Then we broke up...and the second time around was like my second viewing of the movie ~ thinking, hoping and praying that the outcome would be different. I should have learned my lesson the first time. Not that I regret the last three years ~ they were actually a lot better than the first and we had a lot of great times and a hell of a lot of fun...but I think all we did was just delay the inevitable.
The sentiments that these three films convey will remain with me for the rest of my life. THAT IS A GIVEN! But I realize now that what I romanticized about all three movies ~ the decadence, the obsession, the unrequited love that would eventually pay off (haha), the control, the sex, etc ~ are all completely opposite of what I need in my life right now, at 35 years old. I find it interesting how that message was RIGHT THERE all along, in each movie ~ yet in my teens, I completely took the wrong ideals from each one and turned them into something I THOUGHT I needed in my life in order to be happy. And all because I was simply starved for stories and images of gay life that weren't easily accessible to an "in the closet" teen as they are now. Intriguing, isn't it?
I knew that I was attracted to boys when I was in Junior High, but there wasn't anything in the world of cinema at that time (late 80's) to validate that what I was feeling was completely normal. Gay characters during that period were predominantly in the background and were either designed as comic relief ("Look at the silly, sissy fag!") or as people to be pitied. Homosexuality back then was still deemed a psychological abnormality, and in the religion in which I was forced to participate, it was considered a "disease".
I kept my sexuality a secret for a long time. When I entered High School, EVERYTHING changed! Independent film makers and smaller distribution companies slowly started catering to gays and lesbians, releasing stories about REAL relationships and circumstances that REAL gay men and women were and HAD BEEN going through in their struggle for acceptance. Many new "period pieces" were also brought to the screen regarding said struggle. The era from 1990 to 1995 has now been dubbed by film scholars as the "New Wave Queer Cinema".
I got a Blockbuster membership (remember them?) on my 16th birthday and would scour each category for hours (as there was no gay/lesbian section back then) just looking for anything and everything that had something to do with a gay storyline. I discovered classics such as...
Edward II (Derek Jarman - 1992)
Poison (Todd Haynes - 1990)
Frisk (Todd Verow - 1995)
Total Eclipse (Agnieszka Holland - 1995)
For A Lost Soldier (Roeland Kerbosch - 1993)
Swoon (Daniel Schlachet - 1992)
As is common, I also found A LOT of movies that were just absolutely deplorable. Films that a less picky gay person would enjoy, using the "visibility at any cost" rationale, but even back then, I was still a film snob! No, thank you!!!
During that time, there were three films which, dare I say, shaped who I am, not only as a gay man but as an individual as well. Films with themes, emotions and sensations that I have continued to carry with me throughout my life. In the last two weeks, I sat down and watched all three of them again. I was startled at how each one STILL relates to my life and personal struggles after all these years. I realize now that the viewing process was just "supplementary sessions" in this self therapy I have going on with learning to be a stranger.
1. "The Living End" (Gregg Araki - 1992)
A hardcore, unsentimental road movie/romance between two HIV-positive gay men. Figuring they have nothing to lose, Jon (the sensitive caregiver) and Luke (the cynical rebel) hit the road and act out their bad-boy fantasies amid provocative conversations. These are infectiously quotable one-liners that would continue to be a staple throughout Araki's films even up to last year's "Ka-boom". I have watched "The Living End" a million times and never get tired of it. I find myself relating more to Jon but I really always wanted to be Luke for some reason. Throughout the film, Luke keeps fucking up every situation, much to the chagrin of Jon. Yet, ever the hopeless romantic, Jon keeps forgiving Luke's mistakes, despite the obvious fact that the two just aren't well suited for each other. Even after the film's scandalous climax (which I won't give away) we see Jon finally stand up for himself and walk away, leaving Luke sitting on the beach to reflect on how much of a fuck up he is, and the consequences his actions have manifested. Yet, 10 seconds later, Jon walks back and sits down next to Luke...proving yet again that love is blind, and forgiveness continues to overpower self reliance and independence.
THAT's the story of my life!!! I made my share of mistakes throughout the four years my ex and I were together...but my ex made a lot of BIG mistakes! Mistakes he wasn't conscientiously aware of at the time. Decisions that affected my own personal autonomy, and sometimes my sanity as well. Many times I really wanted to walk away, and was very close to doing so on occasion. Yet I always forgave him...he needed me...and I needed him. I realized, watching this film the other night, that the co-dependence between Jon and Luke was a huge mirror of my last relationship. When I watched this film for the first time at 16 years old, I thought it was romantic and I aspired to have a similar relationship. One of youthful decadence, steamy sex, and a "til death do us part" flight of fancy. I didn't realize it back then that the latter was just an unhealthy crutch. Now that I have lived it, I know that it's not for me. It never was. My next relationship MUST be vigorous and unrestricted ~ meaning we will share in each other's lives, yet still be free to do our own thing ~ our personal goals NOT overshadowed by the partnership!
2. "Heavenly Creatures" (Peter Jackson - 1994)
A very grisly yet touchingly beautiful character study which is based on the true story of author Anne Perry's childhood. In the film, she and her best friend, Pauline, conspire to murder Pauline's mother after both sets of parents threaten to separate them forever, thus ending their obsessive and "unhealthy" relationship. This movie is in my TOP 5 films of all time! Kate Winslet (in her very first movie) and Melanie Lynsky are simply superb! This is yet another gay film with tragic results, which is probably why I love it. Obsession with people, things, and dreams that are so real within the imagination and almost assuredly within one's grasp, yet sadly and completely unattainable in real life.
Again, that's me in a nut shell! Don't worry, I'm not an idiot. I'd never go as far as killing someone to make an unrealistic dream come true, but I do understand the frustration of obsession and not being in control of what I want most out of life and love. That was basically the last 5 months for me! All my hopes and dreams being dashed while trying so desperately to find a way to bring them back and make them a reality again! An impossibility when the one putting OUT the fire is the one you want to be IN the fire with in the first place. Le sigh...
3. "My Own Private Idaho" (Gus Van Sant - 1991)
A stylishly photographed road movie (what is it about gays and road films?) about 2 young street hustlers on their own personal vision quest. River Phoenix has never been better in my humble opinion. His character, Mike, not only suffers from narcolepsy, but from an unrequited love of Scotty (Keanu Reeves ~ the film's only weak point...but then Reeves is terrible in everything he's in, isn't he?) Scotty can't return Mike's love because he knows once he receives his inheritance, his life on the streets with the hustlers and junkies will be no more. But Mike is his best friend and he feels the need to help him find some sort of peace in his life. I can honestly say that River's performance and this whole movie in general made me realize who I was. It initiated the stamp on my forehead and finalized it! I'd been attracted to and fooled around with boys for years, but when I rented this film and watched it all the way through, I KNEW that I was gay...and the love that Mike had inside him for Scotty was the kind of love I hoped to feel for another man someday.
I rewound the movie (Oh my God! VHS? How old ARE you?) and watched the whole thing again, thinking in the back of my mind that the ending would be different. Nope - still a sad ending. In the years since that first viewing, I have also gone back and watched it, hoping the ending would be different, yet knowing better. This isn't a film that I've seen a lot, despite it being one of my favorites. I'll watch it about once every three years or so. It's just too sad and brings up way too many issues for me.
Especially now! After a year into our relationship, my ex broke up with me, using the lame excuse that he could never see himself in a relationship with ANYONE...EVER! Six months later, he said he made a mistake and asked me to come back to him, which of course I did. We had another three years together before he broke up with me again and used the same lame ass excuse as to why.
It reminds me of "My Own Private Idaho". It's the pure love I gave him that he wasn't able to give back because he didn't know himself and was uncertain about his future. It's like our first year together was my first viewing of that movie. Then we broke up...and the second time around was like my second viewing of the movie ~ thinking, hoping and praying that the outcome would be different. I should have learned my lesson the first time. Not that I regret the last three years ~ they were actually a lot better than the first and we had a lot of great times and a hell of a lot of fun...but I think all we did was just delay the inevitable.
The sentiments that these three films convey will remain with me for the rest of my life. THAT IS A GIVEN! But I realize now that what I romanticized about all three movies ~ the decadence, the obsession, the unrequited love that would eventually pay off (haha), the control, the sex, etc ~ are all completely opposite of what I need in my life right now, at 35 years old. I find it interesting how that message was RIGHT THERE all along, in each movie ~ yet in my teens, I completely took the wrong ideals from each one and turned them into something I THOUGHT I needed in my life in order to be happy. And all because I was simply starved for stories and images of gay life that weren't easily accessible to an "in the closet" teen as they are now. Intriguing, isn't it?
Friday, July 29, 2011
OKAY, CUPID! YOUR AIM WAS WAAAAAAYYY OFF!!!
At the beginning of June, I was starting to get used to the idea of living alone again, and the panic that had occupied my core for the few months prior was starting to dissipate considerably. At that point, I was counting the days and getting really excited for my ex to move out and my new single life to begin.
I thought I might get a head start on the dating front. A few of my close friends suggested I start an account with an online dating service called OKCupid, which caters to both gay and straight folk. Apparently, it had worked out tremendously for them and their friends so I thought, "Why not?" and signed up. Within three days I was sitting at a table in Starbucks off West End Avenue waiting for my first date.
I suppose my first mistake was agreeing to date someone with the same name. Dave rolled in about 20 minutes late, sat across from me and introduced himself while shaking my hand, vigorously. I immediately noticed that he didn't look anything like his profile pictures and I tried to manage a halfhearted smile as bits of dry skin flakes from his face fell on top of the tiny table in which we were sitting. When we got to the front counter to order drinks, he asked me what I wanted. I said that I was going to get an iced chai with soy milk but that I would order and buy it myself. He wouldn't let me. He turned to the barista, gave her his order then said, while pointing to me...
"..and I'll have an iced chai with soy milk for my baby!"
JAW DROP! His baby? What was even creepier was the fact that he pronounced the word baby as "beh-beh" and he proceeded to refer to me as his "beh-beh" for the two hours that we sat and talked, or rather the two hours that HE talked.
During that time, I discovered three things. We had the exact same birthday ~ even down to the same year, we couldn't be anymore different from each other, and I really just wanted to go home.
I used the excuse that I needed to take my dog for her final walk of the evening. As I stood up, he said he would walk me to my car. I shrugged and said, "Oh that's okay. You don't have to." Clearly he didn't take the hint, as after we walked outside he grabbed my hand and held on. I pulled it away and pretended to look for my phone. When we arrived at my car, he asked, "So what are we doing tomorrow?"
"Oh..." I paused, "I'm actually going to New York tomorrow. My friend, Samantha just had a baby and I'm going to spend a few weeks with her...but I'll...um...I'll be back."
Total lie! Yes, my friend Samantha DID live in New York and yes she DID have a baby, but that was over a year ago and, of course, I really WASN'T going to see her.
"Call me when you get back." he said and glided in for a goodnight kiss. SKIN FLAKES! I moved my head to the side so that all he got was a peck on the cheek.
"Have a good night." is all I could manage as I rushed to get in the car. On the way home, I brushed bits of his dead skin off my check and thought to myself, "Yikes!"
My second date from OKCupid occurred right after the whole "Jules Debacle" ended (see Blog #2). This time, I decided to go for an older gentlemen. I figured the maturity level would be better, and hopefully I'd end up with someone who was sane, respectful and didn't have a penchant for breaking into people's houses.
I met Chris at Ginza, which is a tiny sushi joint close to where I work.He was a 40 year old, Italian cutie...sort of a stockier version of Tony Ward, but as we introduced ourselves, I noticed that his teeth were blue. I assumed that maybe he'd had a blueberry slurpee or something before we met, but no...at the end of the date, they were still blue.
He talked about his job for the entirety of our meal. YAWN! And every time he dipped a sushi roll into his wasabi soy and put it in his mouth, he closed his eyes, pursed his lips and made an ungodly sound. After the third time, I had to ask!
"Um...are you okay?"
"Oh yeah!" he said, "I'm just savoring each roll! So good!"
"Yeah." I replied, trying so hard not to laugh.
The checks came and he sprung the news that he had to be back at work around 9:30pm for a meeting. He is the head baker at Whole Foods Market, which was less than a mile down the road. We had about an hour and a half to spare, so he invited me over to his apartment, which was diagonally across the street from Whole Foods. He said he wanted to show me an episode of his favorite reality TV show. Why not, right? I had nothing better to do.
The reality show turned out to be "Real Mobster Housewives of New York" or something stupid like that. Five minutes in, I wanted to claw out my eyes! Ten minutes before his meeting was to start, he informed me that he didn't have a car and inquired if I might give him a lift. I did, of course, but after my last boyfriend (who was also without a vehicle) I vowed that anyone else I involved myself with in the future would own a car! On the way to Whole Foods, I decided that the sushi roll groans, the "Mobster Housewives" and the lack of wheels were all deal breakers!
Date #3 occurred a week later on a nice Wednesday evening at Bongo Java West. Jason was also older ~ 42 to be exact. Bi-sexual, Trader Joe's stock boy...er...man...person, and an avid reader. In fact, when I joined him on the front porch, he was in the middle of reading a Robert Harris mystery. We talked about anything and everything for three hours and had a great conversation. This guy seemed cool. Very laid back and comfortable with himself. Before we parted company, he invited me out on a second date for the upcoming weekend. Dinner and a movie! I felt good about him so I accepted. On the way home that night, I was happy! No flaky skin or blue teeth! No bad reality shows and no calling me "beh-beh"! FINALLY! We have a winner!
Or so I thought. When I picked him up on Saturday evening, he smelled SOOOOO bad! I usually make it a point to shower before a date, as well as brush my teeth, put on deodorant and douche...just in case! ;) On the way to Green Hills Cinema, he talked...and talked...and talked...mostly about people I didn't know or little known, useless trivia that I didn't care about. He asked me maybe one or two questions the entire date, but I would get a few sentences into my answer before he would interrupt me and start into another story about himself.
While we were pulling into the parking garage, he said, "By the way, I don't have money on me at all. Can you spot me for the ticket and dinner tonight? I'll get you back next time."
"S...sure." I replied.
"Green Lantern" wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Very entertaining. Peter Sarsgaard was genius as always, and I didn't mind all the underwear clad shots of Ryan Reynolds. What I DID mind was Jason's incessant rambling through the whole movie! A self confessed "comic book geek", he had no qualms about pointing out all the inaccuracies of this movie adaptation.
The credits rolled and I turned to Jason and said, "I'm starving! Where would you like to eat?"
"Actually dude, I'm getting kind of tired. I think maybe I should head home."
And so the second date with my third OKCupid match ended. I guess I should feel blessed that I didn't have to buy him dinner as well, but I was bummed at how drastically different he was compared to our first date.
On the way home, I told him about my painting project (see Blog #3) to which he asked, "Are there also any guys that are posing nude for you?"
"Of course." I replied.
"I don't know how I feel about that." he said as he turned away and looked out the window.
Are you kidding me? Two basically platonic dates and already he's acting like a jealous boyfriend? I think not! I dropped him off and never contacted him again. He sent me a text message about a week later saying...
"I really enjoyed our coffee date."
That was it. Of course he didn't say anything about the abysmal second date...but then, why would he? I didn't respond back.
Okay, Cupid! I get the joke! You took your aim at me but you must have been on a bender because you were way off the mark!
I deleted my OKCupid account the next day and decided that if I date someone else in the near future, it's going to have to happen organically...like meeting through a mutual friend or striking up a conversation at a park or cafe about dogs or music or zucchini bread. I don't know.
The shame of it all is that there was a fourth candidate on OKCupid that I was really interested in meeting more than the other three. Someone I felt I had more in common with. We've texted a lot but for some reason, he doesn't have any interest in meeting me. I've made plenty of efforts but he hasn't really had any desire to even meet me halfway. And so it goes...this soldier knows...the shop must close...when the careless oppose...
Even though nothing worked out, and two of the four dates were dreadful, I am proud that I put myself out there. I also enjoyed the process itself. It gave me something new and unexpected to do, and it got me out of my own head as well as my "comfort zone" (say that like Jerri Blank) for a few weeks at least.
In retrospect, I SHOULD have told Dave not to call me "beh-beh", hold my hand or kiss on the first date. I SHOULD have told Chris that I didn't like reality TV and that it was his responsibility to get himself to his meeting...and I SHOULD have told Jason that I wasn't going to pay for his movie and asked him what exactly he meant when he said he didn't like the idea of men posing nude for my paintings. But I didn't and it is what it is.
What I learned from the whole dating experience was that I really don't need the company of other men to know my own worth. I don't need to adapt and change who I am in order for someone to see it, either! And even though I was just being myself on these dates, I think in the future I will also stand up for myself and not allow anyone to sway me into doing something I'm not comfortable with or not interested in doing.
From now on, "Dating Dave" will just be who he always was. :)
I thought I might get a head start on the dating front. A few of my close friends suggested I start an account with an online dating service called OKCupid, which caters to both gay and straight folk. Apparently, it had worked out tremendously for them and their friends so I thought, "Why not?" and signed up. Within three days I was sitting at a table in Starbucks off West End Avenue waiting for my first date.
I suppose my first mistake was agreeing to date someone with the same name. Dave rolled in about 20 minutes late, sat across from me and introduced himself while shaking my hand, vigorously. I immediately noticed that he didn't look anything like his profile pictures and I tried to manage a halfhearted smile as bits of dry skin flakes from his face fell on top of the tiny table in which we were sitting. When we got to the front counter to order drinks, he asked me what I wanted. I said that I was going to get an iced chai with soy milk but that I would order and buy it myself. He wouldn't let me. He turned to the barista, gave her his order then said, while pointing to me...
"..and I'll have an iced chai with soy milk for my baby!"
JAW DROP! His baby? What was even creepier was the fact that he pronounced the word baby as "beh-beh" and he proceeded to refer to me as his "beh-beh" for the two hours that we sat and talked, or rather the two hours that HE talked.
During that time, I discovered three things. We had the exact same birthday ~ even down to the same year, we couldn't be anymore different from each other, and I really just wanted to go home.
I used the excuse that I needed to take my dog for her final walk of the evening. As I stood up, he said he would walk me to my car. I shrugged and said, "Oh that's okay. You don't have to." Clearly he didn't take the hint, as after we walked outside he grabbed my hand and held on. I pulled it away and pretended to look for my phone. When we arrived at my car, he asked, "So what are we doing tomorrow?"
"Oh..." I paused, "I'm actually going to New York tomorrow. My friend, Samantha just had a baby and I'm going to spend a few weeks with her...but I'll...um...I'll be back."
Total lie! Yes, my friend Samantha DID live in New York and yes she DID have a baby, but that was over a year ago and, of course, I really WASN'T going to see her.
"Call me when you get back." he said and glided in for a goodnight kiss. SKIN FLAKES! I moved my head to the side so that all he got was a peck on the cheek.
"Have a good night." is all I could manage as I rushed to get in the car. On the way home, I brushed bits of his dead skin off my check and thought to myself, "Yikes!"
My second date from OKCupid occurred right after the whole "Jules Debacle" ended (see Blog #2). This time, I decided to go for an older gentlemen. I figured the maturity level would be better, and hopefully I'd end up with someone who was sane, respectful and didn't have a penchant for breaking into people's houses.
I met Chris at Ginza, which is a tiny sushi joint close to where I work.He was a 40 year old, Italian cutie...sort of a stockier version of Tony Ward, but as we introduced ourselves, I noticed that his teeth were blue. I assumed that maybe he'd had a blueberry slurpee or something before we met, but no...at the end of the date, they were still blue.
He talked about his job for the entirety of our meal. YAWN! And every time he dipped a sushi roll into his wasabi soy and put it in his mouth, he closed his eyes, pursed his lips and made an ungodly sound. After the third time, I had to ask!
"Um...are you okay?"
"Oh yeah!" he said, "I'm just savoring each roll! So good!"
"Yeah." I replied, trying so hard not to laugh.
The checks came and he sprung the news that he had to be back at work around 9:30pm for a meeting. He is the head baker at Whole Foods Market, which was less than a mile down the road. We had about an hour and a half to spare, so he invited me over to his apartment, which was diagonally across the street from Whole Foods. He said he wanted to show me an episode of his favorite reality TV show. Why not, right? I had nothing better to do.
The reality show turned out to be "Real Mobster Housewives of New York" or something stupid like that. Five minutes in, I wanted to claw out my eyes! Ten minutes before his meeting was to start, he informed me that he didn't have a car and inquired if I might give him a lift. I did, of course, but after my last boyfriend (who was also without a vehicle) I vowed that anyone else I involved myself with in the future would own a car! On the way to Whole Foods, I decided that the sushi roll groans, the "Mobster Housewives" and the lack of wheels were all deal breakers!
Date #3 occurred a week later on a nice Wednesday evening at Bongo Java West. Jason was also older ~ 42 to be exact. Bi-sexual, Trader Joe's stock boy...er...man...person, and an avid reader. In fact, when I joined him on the front porch, he was in the middle of reading a Robert Harris mystery. We talked about anything and everything for three hours and had a great conversation. This guy seemed cool. Very laid back and comfortable with himself. Before we parted company, he invited me out on a second date for the upcoming weekend. Dinner and a movie! I felt good about him so I accepted. On the way home that night, I was happy! No flaky skin or blue teeth! No bad reality shows and no calling me "beh-beh"! FINALLY! We have a winner!
Or so I thought. When I picked him up on Saturday evening, he smelled SOOOOO bad! I usually make it a point to shower before a date, as well as brush my teeth, put on deodorant and douche...just in case! ;) On the way to Green Hills Cinema, he talked...and talked...and talked...mostly about people I didn't know or little known, useless trivia that I didn't care about. He asked me maybe one or two questions the entire date, but I would get a few sentences into my answer before he would interrupt me and start into another story about himself.
While we were pulling into the parking garage, he said, "By the way, I don't have money on me at all. Can you spot me for the ticket and dinner tonight? I'll get you back next time."
"S...sure." I replied.
"Green Lantern" wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Very entertaining. Peter Sarsgaard was genius as always, and I didn't mind all the underwear clad shots of Ryan Reynolds. What I DID mind was Jason's incessant rambling through the whole movie! A self confessed "comic book geek", he had no qualms about pointing out all the inaccuracies of this movie adaptation.
The credits rolled and I turned to Jason and said, "I'm starving! Where would you like to eat?"
"Actually dude, I'm getting kind of tired. I think maybe I should head home."
And so the second date with my third OKCupid match ended. I guess I should feel blessed that I didn't have to buy him dinner as well, but I was bummed at how drastically different he was compared to our first date.
On the way home, I told him about my painting project (see Blog #3) to which he asked, "Are there also any guys that are posing nude for you?"
"Of course." I replied.
"I don't know how I feel about that." he said as he turned away and looked out the window.
Are you kidding me? Two basically platonic dates and already he's acting like a jealous boyfriend? I think not! I dropped him off and never contacted him again. He sent me a text message about a week later saying...
"I really enjoyed our coffee date."
That was it. Of course he didn't say anything about the abysmal second date...but then, why would he? I didn't respond back.
Okay, Cupid! I get the joke! You took your aim at me but you must have been on a bender because you were way off the mark!
I deleted my OKCupid account the next day and decided that if I date someone else in the near future, it's going to have to happen organically...like meeting through a mutual friend or striking up a conversation at a park or cafe about dogs or music or zucchini bread. I don't know.
The shame of it all is that there was a fourth candidate on OKCupid that I was really interested in meeting more than the other three. Someone I felt I had more in common with. We've texted a lot but for some reason, he doesn't have any interest in meeting me. I've made plenty of efforts but he hasn't really had any desire to even meet me halfway. And so it goes...this soldier knows...the shop must close...when the careless oppose...
Even though nothing worked out, and two of the four dates were dreadful, I am proud that I put myself out there. I also enjoyed the process itself. It gave me something new and unexpected to do, and it got me out of my own head as well as my "comfort zone" (say that like Jerri Blank) for a few weeks at least.
In retrospect, I SHOULD have told Dave not to call me "beh-beh", hold my hand or kiss on the first date. I SHOULD have told Chris that I didn't like reality TV and that it was his responsibility to get himself to his meeting...and I SHOULD have told Jason that I wasn't going to pay for his movie and asked him what exactly he meant when he said he didn't like the idea of men posing nude for my paintings. But I didn't and it is what it is.
What I learned from the whole dating experience was that I really don't need the company of other men to know my own worth. I don't need to adapt and change who I am in order for someone to see it, either! And even though I was just being myself on these dates, I think in the future I will also stand up for myself and not allow anyone to sway me into doing something I'm not comfortable with or not interested in doing.
From now on, "Dating Dave" will just be who he always was. :)
Friday, July 22, 2011
I JUST WANT TO SEE ALL MY FRIENDS NAKED!!!
A major part of this self-therapy in "learning to be a stranger" has been diving back into the creative aspects of myself. It's something I kind of put on the back burner these last 5 years. I used to draw all the time ~ religiously, in fact. Not a day would go by where I wouldn't write something, either musically or in my journal.
For the past year, I'd always mention to those closest to me that I really wanted to start painting again. I'd not done so since college and the idea of reintroducing myself to that medium was alluring. Last Christmas, I was given two blank canvases, a set of acrylic paints and some brushes. A couple of weeks later, I sat down at my kitchen table and covered one of them in all black, as I'd had the idea to begin with a "night time" landscape. Days later, the break-up happened and for months, my spirits were depreciated and I didn't feel like doing anything, not only creatively, but ANYTHING in general. Depression sucks...and it REALLY IS debilitating.
A couple of months ago, my friend Justin invited me to one of his art shows. He does this about every three months to showcase the artwork of his friends. It was remarkable! There was one artist named Louis who just astounded me with his talent. I walked around the room admiring everyone's art, all the while thinking to myself, "I can do this." A seed was planted in my brain that night.
A week after my ex moved out (and after I'd gone through the whole "Jules debacle") I picked that black covered canvas back up and painted 9 stars of various sizes at the top. That led to painting the silhouette of a quiet neighborhood underneath, which led to a grassy cliff side overlooking it...and finally, the moonlight drenched, naked body of a man (inspired from a picture of my ex) looking down at the town. I really just needed to paint what I was feeling at the time...small, exposed and vulnerable in a huge universe, experiencing life as an outsider, completely ignored and shut out by all the "happy people" with their wonderful houses and perfect lives. I finished it a couple of weeks ago and this is how it turned out...
Keep in mind, this pic was taken with a camera phone. The colors and textures aren't nearly as brilliant as seeing the real thing up close. Yes, I'm giving myself a pat on the back! So?
Whilst in the middle of painting this masterpiece and listening to the new Lady Gaga album on repeat (so gay), I came up with the idea that this painting could be the first in a series. The theme would be "Skin & Stars"! I bought a huge coffee table book called "Hubble ~ Window On The Universe" which is overflowing with actual images of stars, planets, nebulae, supernovae, galaxies, you name it! These images were taken, of course, by the Hubble Space Telescope. Every single picture in this book is not only fascinating, but gorgeous to boot. It has really given me a plethora of ideas for future paintings.
Where does the skin part come in, you ask? Well, to me there's nothing more enchanting than the human body ~ and since we, as humans, basically come from the stars, I thought the two would be a great combination. I started writing down ideas and came up with about 15 individual paintings that I would like to create for this series.
I ran my vision by Justin and he thought it was a great concept. We've planned a special showing around mid-November, which means that if I'm to have 15 pieces ready by that time, then painting is basically going to be my life for these next four months.
I sent out "feelers" to all my friends, asking if any of them were partial to modeling for me or knew of anyone who might. I was amazed by the responses I got back from those who said they'd love to do it. Keep in mind that the kicker of the offer is that one has to be unreservedly NAKED. Being painfully self conscience of my OWN body, I know that if someone were to ask me that question, the answer would be an immediate, "No!" However, I do intend for one of these pieces to be a self portrait...groan...the Gods of the P90X and a healthy diet are beckoning!
In the last 2 weeks, I've already photographed 6 people for upcoming paintings and am about to shoot 2 more people this weekend. I've even gotten 3 more to agree to doing so later on.
My best friend Tiffany came over one night for dinner and a movie a few weeks back and I went ahead and took some extraordinary pictures of her as well. As she was putting her clothes back on, she laughed and said, "You're only doing this so you can see all of your friends naked, aren't you Dave?"
I replied, "What's your point, Tiffany?"
I love this project, though! Painting and listening to good music (don't worry, it's not JUST Gaga) has been extremely soothing to my soul and has made me very euphoric! The ideas are popping left and right out of my noggin'! And though it's still a frustrating learning process of fucking up, going back, repainting and making things look as they should, it's so well worth it when I apply the finishing touch and sign my name in the bottom right hand corner.
I was on cloud nine after the first painting was complete. I felt accomplished and proud...so I poured myself a glass of wine and sat out on my porch steps that night and texted the picture to all my closest friends and anyone else who I thought might give a damn.
The responses I received back were extremely positive and made me cry tears of joy. Whether they were just being nice and humoring me, I'll never know, but the most important thing was that I LOVED what I had created. When you get down to it, that's the only opinion that matters.
FEELER ALERT! So far, I still need 2 more female models, 2 more males, a lesbian couple, a gay male couple and one more hetero couple. If you're interested or know anyone who would be, you know where to find me. I'd also like to paint interracial couples, as well as single paintings of many diverse races.
Lastly, a very humble thank you to Erik, Olivia, Tiffany, Samantha, Jo Ellen, Randy, Justin, Zack and Julia for believing in this art project and for being courageous and willing to let me see them naked! You are all beautiful and I love you!
For the past year, I'd always mention to those closest to me that I really wanted to start painting again. I'd not done so since college and the idea of reintroducing myself to that medium was alluring. Last Christmas, I was given two blank canvases, a set of acrylic paints and some brushes. A couple of weeks later, I sat down at my kitchen table and covered one of them in all black, as I'd had the idea to begin with a "night time" landscape. Days later, the break-up happened and for months, my spirits were depreciated and I didn't feel like doing anything, not only creatively, but ANYTHING in general. Depression sucks...and it REALLY IS debilitating.
A couple of months ago, my friend Justin invited me to one of his art shows. He does this about every three months to showcase the artwork of his friends. It was remarkable! There was one artist named Louis who just astounded me with his talent. I walked around the room admiring everyone's art, all the while thinking to myself, "I can do this." A seed was planted in my brain that night.
A week after my ex moved out (and after I'd gone through the whole "Jules debacle") I picked that black covered canvas back up and painted 9 stars of various sizes at the top. That led to painting the silhouette of a quiet neighborhood underneath, which led to a grassy cliff side overlooking it...and finally, the moonlight drenched, naked body of a man (inspired from a picture of my ex) looking down at the town. I really just needed to paint what I was feeling at the time...small, exposed and vulnerable in a huge universe, experiencing life as an outsider, completely ignored and shut out by all the "happy people" with their wonderful houses and perfect lives. I finished it a couple of weeks ago and this is how it turned out...
Keep in mind, this pic was taken with a camera phone. The colors and textures aren't nearly as brilliant as seeing the real thing up close. Yes, I'm giving myself a pat on the back! So?
Whilst in the middle of painting this masterpiece and listening to the new Lady Gaga album on repeat (so gay), I came up with the idea that this painting could be the first in a series. The theme would be "Skin & Stars"! I bought a huge coffee table book called "Hubble ~ Window On The Universe" which is overflowing with actual images of stars, planets, nebulae, supernovae, galaxies, you name it! These images were taken, of course, by the Hubble Space Telescope. Every single picture in this book is not only fascinating, but gorgeous to boot. It has really given me a plethora of ideas for future paintings.
Where does the skin part come in, you ask? Well, to me there's nothing more enchanting than the human body ~ and since we, as humans, basically come from the stars, I thought the two would be a great combination. I started writing down ideas and came up with about 15 individual paintings that I would like to create for this series.
I ran my vision by Justin and he thought it was a great concept. We've planned a special showing around mid-November, which means that if I'm to have 15 pieces ready by that time, then painting is basically going to be my life for these next four months.
I sent out "feelers" to all my friends, asking if any of them were partial to modeling for me or knew of anyone who might. I was amazed by the responses I got back from those who said they'd love to do it. Keep in mind that the kicker of the offer is that one has to be unreservedly NAKED. Being painfully self conscience of my OWN body, I know that if someone were to ask me that question, the answer would be an immediate, "No!" However, I do intend for one of these pieces to be a self portrait...groan...the Gods of the P90X and a healthy diet are beckoning!
In the last 2 weeks, I've already photographed 6 people for upcoming paintings and am about to shoot 2 more people this weekend. I've even gotten 3 more to agree to doing so later on.
My best friend Tiffany came over one night for dinner and a movie a few weeks back and I went ahead and took some extraordinary pictures of her as well. As she was putting her clothes back on, she laughed and said, "You're only doing this so you can see all of your friends naked, aren't you Dave?"
I replied, "What's your point, Tiffany?"
I love this project, though! Painting and listening to good music (don't worry, it's not JUST Gaga) has been extremely soothing to my soul and has made me very euphoric! The ideas are popping left and right out of my noggin'! And though it's still a frustrating learning process of fucking up, going back, repainting and making things look as they should, it's so well worth it when I apply the finishing touch and sign my name in the bottom right hand corner.
I was on cloud nine after the first painting was complete. I felt accomplished and proud...so I poured myself a glass of wine and sat out on my porch steps that night and texted the picture to all my closest friends and anyone else who I thought might give a damn.
The responses I received back were extremely positive and made me cry tears of joy. Whether they were just being nice and humoring me, I'll never know, but the most important thing was that I LOVED what I had created. When you get down to it, that's the only opinion that matters.
FEELER ALERT! So far, I still need 2 more female models, 2 more males, a lesbian couple, a gay male couple and one more hetero couple. If you're interested or know anyone who would be, you know where to find me. I'd also like to paint interracial couples, as well as single paintings of many diverse races.
Lastly, a very humble thank you to Erik, Olivia, Tiffany, Samantha, Jo Ellen, Randy, Justin, Zack and Julia for believing in this art project and for being courageous and willing to let me see them naked! You are all beautiful and I love you!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
"Psycho Crush - The Dave Irwin Story" A Lifetime Network Original Motion Picture
Starring Sean Astin as Dave
Emile Hirsch as Jules
and Meredith Baxter-Birney as Jules' mother
Brace yourself, folks! This entry is LONNNNGGG! However it's well worth the read. I'm also sick of telling this story over and over again, so...here we go...
About a week before my ex moved out, my friend Ashley invited me to a cookout she was having in honor of her boyfriend returning home from touring with his band. Ashley and I were really tight about 11 years ago, but hadn't seen much of each other in the last 5 or so. In that time, she had made new friends and so had I, which meant that I really didn't know anyone at the cookout except for her.
I did the usual thing I do when I'm at a huge function and don't know a soul - I find a quiet corner and "people watch". After grabbing a plate and filling it with Veggie chips (the only thing remotely Vegan on the table o' junk) I spotted an empty chair, claimed it as mine and watched as a very rousing game of Volleyball (sarcasm) was about to end.
"Why do I not know you?" a disembodied voice asked. I turned to my left (my blind side) and there he was, sitting right next to me. I jumped a bit because I had not heard nor felt anyone sit down beside me.
"I'm Jules." he said and smiled, then proceeded to talk a mile a minute about how he new Ashley, where he was from, his college (Belmont) and all the other pleasantries that come with meeting new people. The boring stuff, basically.
He was gorgeous! Looked like a blonde version of Emile Hirsch (who, of course, plays him in the movie) young, lanky and very intellegent. I was amazed that this 23 year old was not only asking me questions, but he was actually LISTENING and asking more questions from my responses. Usually, when I meet a new person and they ask a question, I can see in their eyes that they're not really listening to my answer, rather thinking up what they're going to say next. Such was not the case with Jules.
We sat, just the two of us, talking til around 1am, when the party died. By that time we had made our way into Ashley's hot tub. I told him about my ex, my current predicament and that I wasn't interested in jumping into a new relationship, but was completely open to dating and making new friends. We exchanged numbers and called it a night. Actually, Ashley kind of kicked us out as it was late and we were the "guests who wouldn't leave".
I got a text from him the next day asking to meet for coffee that night, which we did, and once again we talked and talked until we were the last remaining people in the Cafe. I could also feel the dirty looks coming from the employees who really just wanted to go home. Sorry, Frothy! :(
When I settled in that evening, I discovered he'd already sent me a friend request on Facebook. I clicked "approve." APPROVE! First mistake right there. I let him into my "cyber world" filled with pictures, thoughts, videos, notes and most of all, my personal & professional information. I let him into my world based on hanging out with him twice. Of course, I wasn't thinking about this at the time. The only thing I was concerned with was seeing HIS photos and personal info. The difference, I would later come to find out, was that after I saw his info, I tossed it out of my head. What he did with mine throughout the next two weeks was a different story.
~ COMPLETELY OBVIOUS CLUE THIS DUDE IS CRAY-CRAY #1 ~
The next day, I awoke to discover that the boy had commented on almost every photo on my page, written his "opinion" on a lot of old status updates back from when I first joined Facebook, and had also posted a horrible shirtless picture of myself getting out of Ashley's hot tub. A picture he told me that he had erased when I complained about it that very night. I thought all these things were a tad creepy at first, but overlooked them as he seemed like a sweet guy...and I was just happy that someone was taking an interest in me again. After the break-up, it seemed like that wasn't going to happen. I never thought that anyone who was just as young and attractive as my ex was, would ever have any interest in me...yet here it was happening again...and who was I to argue with that, right?
As I was finishing up reading all the minutae he wrote on my page, I received a text (guess who?) inviting me over to his place for dinner that coming Wednesday. Long story short (too late), Wednesday - his house - Vegan lasagna - talk - multiple glasses of wine - more talk - and our first kiss as I was leaving to go home. Not a long kiss. Not a french kiss. Just a nice, respectable 3 second peck on the lips.
~COMPLETELY OBVIOUS CLUE THIS DUDE IS CRAY-CRAY #2 ~
I arrived home and spilled all the details of the night's events to my downstairs neighbor. I was genuinely excited and felt the way I did when my ex first asked me to be his boyfriend. I felt invigorated, needed and attractive. Then I went upstairs and checked my Facebook. Keep in mind, I had just left Jules' house 25 minutes earlier when I get the following message on my wall...
Jules - "Awww...I miss you."
Miss me? Doesn't one have to been gone from someone's presence for the minimum of at least 24 hours before they can be considered "missed"? Another warning bell sounded off in my head, yet I ignored that one as well because I just thought he was being cute. So I wrote...
"But I just left your house 30 minutes ago! Weirdo!"
Not 5 seconds passed before he responded with...
Jules - :P
I didn't hear from him the following weekend as it was the final days before my ex was to move out. I promised to spend time with him those last two days and try to tie up loose ends both emotionally & mentally...not that it really worked, but at least I tried. I recieved a few texts from Jules that weekend but not many.
The hours following my ex's departure on Sunday were both a relief and extremely sad at the same time. Unfortunately, it was more of the latter. I sat in the living room for about a half hour after he left, just marveling at how creepy and quiet the room had become. Thankfully, those feelings only lasted that one day, because on Monday morning I felt so good ~ very free! I felt like a brand new Dave! It's a horrible analogy to say it was like I was a prisoner released from jail (because I never felt that our relationship was a prison sentence ~ just the 5 months afterward when we were still living together) but that's exactly what it felt like. Shackles were gone! I had no one to answer to but myself and I could do whatever the hell I wanted to!
~ COMPLETELY OBVIOUS CLUE THIS DUDE IS CRAY-CRAY #3 ~
My ex and I had agreed to not contact each other for awhile, yet 2 days after he moved out, I got an email from him stating that Jules had sent him a Facebook message wanting my address. That freaked me out! I'd mentioned my ex's first name several times but never his last. Then it dawned on me - Facebook, pictures, tagged photos, put two and two together, voila! He figured out who my ex was! This time, I did NOT ignore the warning bell. That action was the ultimate in shady, replete with disrespect toward my newly ended relationship. Wanting my address just made it creepier. Asking for the address via my ex boyfriend made it a deal breaker!
I responded to my ex, "Thanks for the heads up. Please do not give him my address."
The next day, my ex emailed me back - "Oh shit. I'm sorry, Dave. I gave him your address cause he emailed me AGAIN and sounded legit."
I was livid. Not by the fact that my ex actually gave Jules my address, but by the fact that he didn't get my permission to do so. The anger faded throughout the day, and I began to wonder if Jules was going to leave me some sort of weird surprise on my doorstep or in my mailbox...but when I arrived home - nothing. I texted him that night but I never got a response.
~ THE DAY I DISCOVERED THAT THE BOY WAS BAT SHIT BONKERS!!! ~
It was a typical Thursday. I'd just gotten home from work. As soon as I entered the house, I knew something was wrong. My dog, Tuffy, who usually bolts toward the door to greet me with her tail in "hyper-wag", was curled in a ball over in a corner of my living room. I immediately knelt down to determine if she was okay. She was shaking. Then I heard a voice from my bedroom.
"Hey!" it said. I jumped...and for a split second I thought my ex had returned to procure some things he'd left behind...but no, it wasn't him.
I stood up and looked inside my bedroom. There he was. Mr. Jules ~ completely naked and spread eagle on my bed with an erection. You could have knocked me over with a feather!
"How did you get in here?"
He never answered the question. He just said, "Why don't you just come over here for a minute and let me take care of you."
Complete shock. This boy had broken into my house, scared the shit out of my dog, and obviously thought that we were going to have sex. I was scared shitless and the only thing I could think to do was grab my cellphone.
"You need to get out or I am calling the police."
That got his attention. "What?" he asked. "No. No...just come in here and let's talk for a second."
Now had Jules and I been dating for several months, had he been to my house before (and owned a key), and it was my birthday or Valentines or whatever, I probably would have considered this romantic and sexy...but no, I'd known this kid for 2 weeks...and had been on just 2 dates with him.
"Get the fuck out, Julian!" I couldn't look at him. I turned away and dialed 911.
"Dude, what are you doing? It's ME! It's ME!!" he screamed. I heard him get off the bed. I turned and saw him grab his clothes. He was in the process of putting them on while still muttering under his breath, "It's me."
"It's YOU? I don't know you!" I replied, "You just broke into my home and scared the hell out of me! That's the only thing I KNOW about you at this moment!"
The 911 operator answered and when I told him that I wanted to report a break in, Jules flipped out!
"Fuck you! Fuck this shit!" he slapped the phone out of my hand and shoved my head against the wall. Really hard! He then proceeded to knock over my DVD shelf and my flat screen television set, which broke in half, before running out the door.
I retrieved my phone and followed him outside. My neighbor (we'll call him Jeff because I'm a bad neighbor and can't remember his real name) was walking his dog at the time.
"Stop him!" I shouted at Jeff, who didn't know what the hell was happening so he didn't do anything. But he did get a good look at Jules, who quickly got in his car and sped away.
15 minutes later, an officer showed up. I went through the whole story and gave the officer Jules' address. Jeff made a statement as well. The officer left and I returned to my house to find that Tuffy, in her distress over everything that went down, had shit all over the kitchen carpet. Nice.
Two hours later, I got a call from Metro stating that they arrested Jules and need me to come and identify him. I grabbed Jeff, who kindly agreed to come along to i.d. Jules as well. We walked into Lieutenant so-and-so's office to find Jules with his mother sitting across the room...both crying. The lieutenant asked Jeff to identify Jules, which he did. Jeff was dismissed.
The lieutenant asked me to go through my story once more. As I was talking, I realized that I inadvertantly "outed" Jules to his mother. Awkward. The lieutenant asked Jules if everything I said was true. Jules just nodded and managed a quiet, "Yes."
It is at this point that I start to feel like the bad guy. I'm looking at a kid who has probably never been in a serious relationship in his life, much less a gay one, who is coming to terms with his sexuality and in his mind he's just thinking he's taking steps to secure one, albeit the WRONG steps! I felt really sorry for him. I'm sure that in his mind, he thought I would come home, be very happy to see his "sexy" surprise, we'd be intimate and things would be perfect.
The lieutenant turned to me and asked if I wanted to press charges...and I didn't know what to say...so I just turned to Jules and asked, "Will you promise that you will leave me alone? Will you promise to never contact me again? Will you promise to leave my family and friends alone and stay out of my life?"
He nodded. I turned to the lieutenant and said I didn't want to press charges. He thanked me for my statement and told me that I could leave. I reached for the door when suddenly I felt someone grab my arm. It was Jules' mother. She just looked at me and mouthed the words, "thank you". I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded and left. On the drive home, I broke down and cried.
Emile Hirsch as Jules
and Meredith Baxter-Birney as Jules' mother
Brace yourself, folks! This entry is LONNNNGGG! However it's well worth the read. I'm also sick of telling this story over and over again, so...here we go...
About a week before my ex moved out, my friend Ashley invited me to a cookout she was having in honor of her boyfriend returning home from touring with his band. Ashley and I were really tight about 11 years ago, but hadn't seen much of each other in the last 5 or so. In that time, she had made new friends and so had I, which meant that I really didn't know anyone at the cookout except for her.
I did the usual thing I do when I'm at a huge function and don't know a soul - I find a quiet corner and "people watch". After grabbing a plate and filling it with Veggie chips (the only thing remotely Vegan on the table o' junk) I spotted an empty chair, claimed it as mine and watched as a very rousing game of Volleyball (sarcasm) was about to end.
"Why do I not know you?" a disembodied voice asked. I turned to my left (my blind side) and there he was, sitting right next to me. I jumped a bit because I had not heard nor felt anyone sit down beside me.
"I'm Jules." he said and smiled, then proceeded to talk a mile a minute about how he new Ashley, where he was from, his college (Belmont) and all the other pleasantries that come with meeting new people. The boring stuff, basically.
He was gorgeous! Looked like a blonde version of Emile Hirsch (who, of course, plays him in the movie) young, lanky and very intellegent. I was amazed that this 23 year old was not only asking me questions, but he was actually LISTENING and asking more questions from my responses. Usually, when I meet a new person and they ask a question, I can see in their eyes that they're not really listening to my answer, rather thinking up what they're going to say next. Such was not the case with Jules.
We sat, just the two of us, talking til around 1am, when the party died. By that time we had made our way into Ashley's hot tub. I told him about my ex, my current predicament and that I wasn't interested in jumping into a new relationship, but was completely open to dating and making new friends. We exchanged numbers and called it a night. Actually, Ashley kind of kicked us out as it was late and we were the "guests who wouldn't leave".
I got a text from him the next day asking to meet for coffee that night, which we did, and once again we talked and talked until we were the last remaining people in the Cafe. I could also feel the dirty looks coming from the employees who really just wanted to go home. Sorry, Frothy! :(
When I settled in that evening, I discovered he'd already sent me a friend request on Facebook. I clicked "approve." APPROVE! First mistake right there. I let him into my "cyber world" filled with pictures, thoughts, videos, notes and most of all, my personal & professional information. I let him into my world based on hanging out with him twice. Of course, I wasn't thinking about this at the time. The only thing I was concerned with was seeing HIS photos and personal info. The difference, I would later come to find out, was that after I saw his info, I tossed it out of my head. What he did with mine throughout the next two weeks was a different story.
~ COMPLETELY OBVIOUS CLUE THIS DUDE IS CRAY-CRAY #1 ~
The next day, I awoke to discover that the boy had commented on almost every photo on my page, written his "opinion" on a lot of old status updates back from when I first joined Facebook, and had also posted a horrible shirtless picture of myself getting out of Ashley's hot tub. A picture he told me that he had erased when I complained about it that very night. I thought all these things were a tad creepy at first, but overlooked them as he seemed like a sweet guy...and I was just happy that someone was taking an interest in me again. After the break-up, it seemed like that wasn't going to happen. I never thought that anyone who was just as young and attractive as my ex was, would ever have any interest in me...yet here it was happening again...and who was I to argue with that, right?
As I was finishing up reading all the minutae he wrote on my page, I received a text (guess who?) inviting me over to his place for dinner that coming Wednesday. Long story short (too late), Wednesday - his house - Vegan lasagna - talk - multiple glasses of wine - more talk - and our first kiss as I was leaving to go home. Not a long kiss. Not a french kiss. Just a nice, respectable 3 second peck on the lips.
~COMPLETELY OBVIOUS CLUE THIS DUDE IS CRAY-CRAY #2 ~
I arrived home and spilled all the details of the night's events to my downstairs neighbor. I was genuinely excited and felt the way I did when my ex first asked me to be his boyfriend. I felt invigorated, needed and attractive. Then I went upstairs and checked my Facebook. Keep in mind, I had just left Jules' house 25 minutes earlier when I get the following message on my wall...
Jules - "Awww...I miss you."
Miss me? Doesn't one have to been gone from someone's presence for the minimum of at least 24 hours before they can be considered "missed"? Another warning bell sounded off in my head, yet I ignored that one as well because I just thought he was being cute. So I wrote...
"But I just left your house 30 minutes ago! Weirdo!"
Not 5 seconds passed before he responded with...
Jules - :P
I didn't hear from him the following weekend as it was the final days before my ex was to move out. I promised to spend time with him those last two days and try to tie up loose ends both emotionally & mentally...not that it really worked, but at least I tried. I recieved a few texts from Jules that weekend but not many.
The hours following my ex's departure on Sunday were both a relief and extremely sad at the same time. Unfortunately, it was more of the latter. I sat in the living room for about a half hour after he left, just marveling at how creepy and quiet the room had become. Thankfully, those feelings only lasted that one day, because on Monday morning I felt so good ~ very free! I felt like a brand new Dave! It's a horrible analogy to say it was like I was a prisoner released from jail (because I never felt that our relationship was a prison sentence ~ just the 5 months afterward when we were still living together) but that's exactly what it felt like. Shackles were gone! I had no one to answer to but myself and I could do whatever the hell I wanted to!
~ COMPLETELY OBVIOUS CLUE THIS DUDE IS CRAY-CRAY #3 ~
My ex and I had agreed to not contact each other for awhile, yet 2 days after he moved out, I got an email from him stating that Jules had sent him a Facebook message wanting my address. That freaked me out! I'd mentioned my ex's first name several times but never his last. Then it dawned on me - Facebook, pictures, tagged photos, put two and two together, voila! He figured out who my ex was! This time, I did NOT ignore the warning bell. That action was the ultimate in shady, replete with disrespect toward my newly ended relationship. Wanting my address just made it creepier. Asking for the address via my ex boyfriend made it a deal breaker!
I responded to my ex, "Thanks for the heads up. Please do not give him my address."
The next day, my ex emailed me back - "Oh shit. I'm sorry, Dave. I gave him your address cause he emailed me AGAIN and sounded legit."
I was livid. Not by the fact that my ex actually gave Jules my address, but by the fact that he didn't get my permission to do so. The anger faded throughout the day, and I began to wonder if Jules was going to leave me some sort of weird surprise on my doorstep or in my mailbox...but when I arrived home - nothing. I texted him that night but I never got a response.
~ THE DAY I DISCOVERED THAT THE BOY WAS BAT SHIT BONKERS!!! ~
It was a typical Thursday. I'd just gotten home from work. As soon as I entered the house, I knew something was wrong. My dog, Tuffy, who usually bolts toward the door to greet me with her tail in "hyper-wag", was curled in a ball over in a corner of my living room. I immediately knelt down to determine if she was okay. She was shaking. Then I heard a voice from my bedroom.
"Hey!" it said. I jumped...and for a split second I thought my ex had returned to procure some things he'd left behind...but no, it wasn't him.
I stood up and looked inside my bedroom. There he was. Mr. Jules ~ completely naked and spread eagle on my bed with an erection. You could have knocked me over with a feather!
"How did you get in here?"
He never answered the question. He just said, "Why don't you just come over here for a minute and let me take care of you."
Complete shock. This boy had broken into my house, scared the shit out of my dog, and obviously thought that we were going to have sex. I was scared shitless and the only thing I could think to do was grab my cellphone.
"You need to get out or I am calling the police."
That got his attention. "What?" he asked. "No. No...just come in here and let's talk for a second."
Now had Jules and I been dating for several months, had he been to my house before (and owned a key), and it was my birthday or Valentines or whatever, I probably would have considered this romantic and sexy...but no, I'd known this kid for 2 weeks...and had been on just 2 dates with him.
"Get the fuck out, Julian!" I couldn't look at him. I turned away and dialed 911.
"Dude, what are you doing? It's ME! It's ME!!" he screamed. I heard him get off the bed. I turned and saw him grab his clothes. He was in the process of putting them on while still muttering under his breath, "It's me."
"It's YOU? I don't know you!" I replied, "You just broke into my home and scared the hell out of me! That's the only thing I KNOW about you at this moment!"
The 911 operator answered and when I told him that I wanted to report a break in, Jules flipped out!
"Fuck you! Fuck this shit!" he slapped the phone out of my hand and shoved my head against the wall. Really hard! He then proceeded to knock over my DVD shelf and my flat screen television set, which broke in half, before running out the door.
I retrieved my phone and followed him outside. My neighbor (we'll call him Jeff because I'm a bad neighbor and can't remember his real name) was walking his dog at the time.
"Stop him!" I shouted at Jeff, who didn't know what the hell was happening so he didn't do anything. But he did get a good look at Jules, who quickly got in his car and sped away.
15 minutes later, an officer showed up. I went through the whole story and gave the officer Jules' address. Jeff made a statement as well. The officer left and I returned to my house to find that Tuffy, in her distress over everything that went down, had shit all over the kitchen carpet. Nice.
Two hours later, I got a call from Metro stating that they arrested Jules and need me to come and identify him. I grabbed Jeff, who kindly agreed to come along to i.d. Jules as well. We walked into Lieutenant so-and-so's office to find Jules with his mother sitting across the room...both crying. The lieutenant asked Jeff to identify Jules, which he did. Jeff was dismissed.
The lieutenant asked me to go through my story once more. As I was talking, I realized that I inadvertantly "outed" Jules to his mother. Awkward. The lieutenant asked Jules if everything I said was true. Jules just nodded and managed a quiet, "Yes."
It is at this point that I start to feel like the bad guy. I'm looking at a kid who has probably never been in a serious relationship in his life, much less a gay one, who is coming to terms with his sexuality and in his mind he's just thinking he's taking steps to secure one, albeit the WRONG steps! I felt really sorry for him. I'm sure that in his mind, he thought I would come home, be very happy to see his "sexy" surprise, we'd be intimate and things would be perfect.
The lieutenant turned to me and asked if I wanted to press charges...and I didn't know what to say...so I just turned to Jules and asked, "Will you promise that you will leave me alone? Will you promise to never contact me again? Will you promise to leave my family and friends alone and stay out of my life?"
He nodded. I turned to the lieutenant and said I didn't want to press charges. He thanked me for my statement and told me that I could leave. I reached for the door when suddenly I felt someone grab my arm. It was Jules' mother. She just looked at me and mouthed the words, "thank you". I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded and left. On the drive home, I broke down and cried.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
LEARNING TO BE A STRANGER...
My name is Dave Irwin. I'm a 35 year old gay man who lives in Nashville, Tennessee and works as a shipping & receiving manager at a clothing store. That is who I am on the surface level, but if one were to maintain their descent into the depths of who I genuinely am as an individual, they would find a lot more. For some, perhaps more than they bargained for...but for the majority, I perceive they would be greeted with a myriad of pleasant surprises and a hell of a lot of fun as I've always been the kind of person who enjoys taking everything just a step further and is always up for more. This sounds like the introduction to a personals ad, doesn't it?
A while back, my former thrapist suggested I start writing a blog. Basically as a sort of therapy to get over my current situation at the time, which was the end of a four year, commited relationship. It ended in January, therapy started the next month and lasted til May when she told me I really didn't need to be in analysis. Some days, I concur...but most days, I don't. Hence this blog.
In a nutshell, my ex and I started having problems within our partnership a few months before the actual break up. I won't go into any detail because it's private between the two of us and would probably end up boring the hell out of you anyway. On the night of January 18th, 2011, we had a squabble, things came to a head, we sat down, talked, wept and decided that if we were going to remain in each other's lives, we needed to break up. In our own different ways, I think we both conceded that we were always better friends (best friends, even) than we were as boyfriends ~ although, when things were good between us within the realtionship, they were VERY good.
A week after we split, I freaked out, realized the mistake and pleaded with him to get back together, but unfortunately it was too late. I kept thinking about the promises we made each other, the future we had planned, focused on all our good times but never the bad. In the thick of our years together, I deeply loved him and he loved me. He was the first partner I had where I NEVER once questioned his loyalty & trust. But after we did break up and his resolve in not getting back together was firm, that's all I DID question...for five months.
FIVE MONTHS! It was the longest break up EVER! Due to certain events, circumstances, obligations, etc, we still had to live together for five months after the initial break up. It was the most brutal five months of my life. I still loved him, still do at this very moment, and probably always will. I just hope that the love changes form in a more beneficial & idealistic way in the near future. We're best friends ~ and we need to get to that point where we can truly abide by what it means to be "best friends". You will never hear me say anything negative or hurtful about him as he is one of the kindest, funniest and most intellegent people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
He finally moved out a month ago. We have agreed to sever contact for awhile. No phone calls, Facebook, etc until we both feel like it's the right time to re-emerge in each others lives again, and with the exception of a few emails in regards to wrapping up loose ends ("Can I get my Super Nintendo back?") things are going as planned. It might take 6 months, 9 months or even a year but it will happen, and all will be as it should.
"Learn to be a stranger...blonde on blonde...in silence she says, 'Excalibur!' "
All of my "nearest & dearest" know that Stevie Nicks is this lil' gay boy's "be all and end all" in the world of music. She was and will always be the voice of Rock & Roll for me. The previous line was from a song off her WILD HEART album called "Sable On Blonde" and it's basically a song about learning how to live with yourself, and utilizing your own inner strength to deal with whatever bullshit is making you bonkers. The idea is not banking on others to take up any sort of slack or do it for you.
This is what I'm endeavoring to do at the moment ~ learning to be a stranger...learning to live with myself...getting to know "Dave Singular" instead of "Dave Plus One". For the last 11 years, I've always had either a roommate or a boyfriend. I've never really lived on my own. It's all very new...and a bit daunting. Just within these last four weeks since my ex moved out, I've had some pretty intriguing & unbelievable events happen to me. Incidents you would only see in a really bad "Lifetime Original Motion Picture". There have also been very good occurances, though...and thus begins the current exploits of "Dave Singular". I'm 35 years old and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life right now or where the hell I'm headed. It's ludicrous in that it horrifies the absolute shit out of me...but I've gotta say, I kind of like it!
"To be brave, save the stranger..."
A while back, my former thrapist suggested I start writing a blog. Basically as a sort of therapy to get over my current situation at the time, which was the end of a four year, commited relationship. It ended in January, therapy started the next month and lasted til May when she told me I really didn't need to be in analysis. Some days, I concur...but most days, I don't. Hence this blog.
In a nutshell, my ex and I started having problems within our partnership a few months before the actual break up. I won't go into any detail because it's private between the two of us and would probably end up boring the hell out of you anyway. On the night of January 18th, 2011, we had a squabble, things came to a head, we sat down, talked, wept and decided that if we were going to remain in each other's lives, we needed to break up. In our own different ways, I think we both conceded that we were always better friends (best friends, even) than we were as boyfriends ~ although, when things were good between us within the realtionship, they were VERY good.
A week after we split, I freaked out, realized the mistake and pleaded with him to get back together, but unfortunately it was too late. I kept thinking about the promises we made each other, the future we had planned, focused on all our good times but never the bad. In the thick of our years together, I deeply loved him and he loved me. He was the first partner I had where I NEVER once questioned his loyalty & trust. But after we did break up and his resolve in not getting back together was firm, that's all I DID question...for five months.
FIVE MONTHS! It was the longest break up EVER! Due to certain events, circumstances, obligations, etc, we still had to live together for five months after the initial break up. It was the most brutal five months of my life. I still loved him, still do at this very moment, and probably always will. I just hope that the love changes form in a more beneficial & idealistic way in the near future. We're best friends ~ and we need to get to that point where we can truly abide by what it means to be "best friends". You will never hear me say anything negative or hurtful about him as he is one of the kindest, funniest and most intellegent people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
He finally moved out a month ago. We have agreed to sever contact for awhile. No phone calls, Facebook, etc until we both feel like it's the right time to re-emerge in each others lives again, and with the exception of a few emails in regards to wrapping up loose ends ("Can I get my Super Nintendo back?") things are going as planned. It might take 6 months, 9 months or even a year but it will happen, and all will be as it should.
"Learn to be a stranger...blonde on blonde...in silence she says, 'Excalibur!' "
All of my "nearest & dearest" know that Stevie Nicks is this lil' gay boy's "be all and end all" in the world of music. She was and will always be the voice of Rock & Roll for me. The previous line was from a song off her WILD HEART album called "Sable On Blonde" and it's basically a song about learning how to live with yourself, and utilizing your own inner strength to deal with whatever bullshit is making you bonkers. The idea is not banking on others to take up any sort of slack or do it for you.
This is what I'm endeavoring to do at the moment ~ learning to be a stranger...learning to live with myself...getting to know "Dave Singular" instead of "Dave Plus One". For the last 11 years, I've always had either a roommate or a boyfriend. I've never really lived on my own. It's all very new...and a bit daunting. Just within these last four weeks since my ex moved out, I've had some pretty intriguing & unbelievable events happen to me. Incidents you would only see in a really bad "Lifetime Original Motion Picture". There have also been very good occurances, though...and thus begins the current exploits of "Dave Singular". I'm 35 years old and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life right now or where the hell I'm headed. It's ludicrous in that it horrifies the absolute shit out of me...but I've gotta say, I kind of like it!
"To be brave, save the stranger..."
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