NEW WAVE QUEER CINEMA AND ME!!!

Cinema has come a LONG WAY in the last 15+ years when it comes to both independent and mainstream queer films! They're everywhere these days, and some of them have even been nominated and won Academy Awards in one category or another. For this, I am very grateful because our youth of today have these celluloid gems to assure them that not only is the world changing, but they are not alone and it's okay to be EXACTLY who they are without shame!

I knew that I was attracted to boys when I was in Junior High, but there wasn't anything in the world of cinema at that time (late 80's) to validate that what I was feeling was completely normal. Gay characters during that period were predominantly in the background and were either designed as comic relief ("Look at the silly, sissy fag!") or as people to be pitied. Homosexuality back then was still deemed a psychological abnormality, and in the religion in which I was forced to participate, it was considered a "disease".

I kept my sexuality a secret for a long time. When I entered High School, EVERYTHING changed! Independent film makers and smaller distribution companies slowly started catering to gays and lesbians, releasing stories about REAL relationships and circumstances that REAL gay men and women were and HAD BEEN going through in their struggle for acceptance. Many new "period pieces" were also brought to the screen regarding said struggle. The era from 1990 to 1995 has now been dubbed by film scholars as the "New Wave Queer Cinema".

I got a Blockbuster membership (remember them?) on my 16th birthday and would scour each category for hours (as there was no gay/lesbian section back then) just looking for anything and everything that had something to do with a gay storyline. I discovered classics such as...
Edward II (Derek Jarman - 1992)
Poison (Todd Haynes - 1990)
Frisk (Todd Verow - 1995)
Total Eclipse (Agnieszka Holland - 1995)
For A Lost Soldier (Roeland Kerbosch - 1993)
Swoon (Daniel Schlachet - 1992)

As is common, I also found A LOT of movies that were just absolutely deplorable. Films that a less picky gay person would enjoy, using the "visibility at any cost" rationale, but even back then, I was still a film snob! No, thank you!!!

During that time, there were three films which, dare I say, shaped who I am, not only as a gay man but as an individual as well. Films with themes, emotions and sensations that I have continued to carry with me throughout my life. In the last two weeks, I sat down and watched all three of them again. I was startled at how each one STILL relates to my life and personal struggles after all these years. I realize now that the viewing process was just "supplementary sessions" in this self therapy I have going on with learning to be a stranger.

1. "The Living End" (Gregg Araki - 1992)
A hardcore, unsentimental road movie/romance between two HIV-positive gay men. Figuring they have nothing to lose, Jon (the sensitive caregiver) and Luke (the cynical rebel) hit the road and act out their bad-boy fantasies amid provocative conversations. These are infectiously quotable one-liners that would continue to be a staple throughout Araki's films even up to last year's "Ka-boom". I have watched "The Living End" a million times and never get tired of it. I find myself relating more to Jon but I really always wanted to be Luke for some reason. Throughout the film, Luke keeps fucking up every situation, much to the chagrin of Jon. Yet, ever the hopeless romantic, Jon keeps forgiving Luke's mistakes, despite the obvious fact that the two just aren't well suited for each other. Even after the film's scandalous climax (which I won't give away) we see Jon finally stand up for himself and walk away, leaving Luke sitting on the beach to reflect on how much of a fuck up he is, and the consequences his actions have manifested. Yet, 10 seconds later, Jon walks back and sits down next to Luke...proving yet again that love is blind, and forgiveness continues to overpower self reliance and independence.

THAT's the story of my life!!! I made my share of mistakes throughout the four years my ex and I were together...but my ex made a lot of BIG mistakes! Mistakes he wasn't conscientiously aware of at the time. Decisions that affected my own personal autonomy, and sometimes my sanity as well. Many times I really wanted to walk away, and was very close to doing so on occasion. Yet I always forgave him...he needed me...and I needed him. I realized, watching this film the other night, that the co-dependence between Jon and Luke was a huge mirror of my last relationship. When I watched this film for the first time at 16 years old, I thought it was romantic and I aspired to have a similar relationship. One of youthful decadence, steamy sex, and a "til death do us part" flight of fancy. I didn't realize it back then that the latter was just an unhealthy crutch. Now that I have lived it, I know that it's not for me. It never was. My next relationship MUST be vigorous and unrestricted ~ meaning we will share in each other's lives, yet still be free to do our own thing ~ our personal goals NOT overshadowed by the partnership!

2. "Heavenly Creatures" (Peter Jackson - 1994)
A very grisly yet touchingly beautiful character study which is based on the true story of author Anne Perry's childhood. In the film, she and her best friend, Pauline, conspire to murder Pauline's mother after both sets of parents threaten to separate them forever, thus ending their obsessive and "unhealthy" relationship. This movie is in my TOP 5 films of all time! Kate Winslet (in her very first movie) and Melanie Lynsky are simply superb! This is yet another gay film with tragic results, which is probably why I love it. Obsession with people, things, and dreams that are so real within the imagination and almost assuredly within one's grasp, yet sadly and completely unattainable in real life.

Again, that's me in a nut shell! Don't worry, I'm not an idiot. I'd never go as far as killing someone to make an unrealistic dream come true, but I do understand the frustration of obsession and not being in control of what I want most out of life and love. That was basically the last 5 months for me! All my hopes and dreams being dashed while trying so desperately to find a way to bring them back and make them a reality again! An impossibility when the one putting OUT the fire is the one you want to be IN the fire with in the first place. Le sigh...

3. "My Own Private Idaho" (Gus Van Sant - 1991)
A stylishly photographed road movie (what is it about gays and road films?) about 2 young street hustlers on their own personal vision quest. River Phoenix has never been better in my humble opinion. His character, Mike, not only suffers from narcolepsy, but from an unrequited love of Scotty (Keanu Reeves ~ the film's only weak point...but then Reeves is terrible in everything he's in, isn't he?) Scotty can't return Mike's love because he knows once he receives his inheritance, his life on the streets with the hustlers and junkies will be no more. But Mike is his best friend and he feels the need to help him find some sort of peace in his life. I can honestly say that River's performance and this whole movie in general made me realize who I was. It initiated the stamp on my forehead and finalized it! I'd been attracted to and fooled around with boys for years, but when I rented this film and watched it all the way through, I KNEW that I was gay...and the love that Mike had inside him for Scotty was the kind of love I hoped to feel for another man someday.

I rewound the movie (Oh my God! VHS? How old ARE you?) and watched the whole thing again, thinking in the back of my mind that the ending would be different. Nope - still a sad ending. In the years since that first viewing, I have also gone back and watched it, hoping the ending would be different, yet knowing better. This isn't a film that I've seen a lot, despite it being one of my favorites. I'll watch it about once every three years or so. It's just too sad and brings up way too many issues for me.

Especially now! After a year into our relationship, my ex broke up with me, using the lame excuse that he could never see himself in a relationship with ANYONE...EVER! Six months later, he said he made a mistake and asked me to come back to him, which of course I did. We had another three years together before he broke up with me again and used the same lame ass excuse as to why.

It reminds me of "My Own Private Idaho". It's the pure love I gave him that he wasn't able to give back because he didn't know himself and was uncertain about his future. It's like our first year together was my first viewing of that movie. Then we broke up...and the second time around was like my second viewing of the movie ~ thinking, hoping and praying that the outcome would be different. I should have learned my lesson the first time. Not that I regret the last three years ~ they were actually a lot better than the first and we had a lot of great times and a hell of a lot of fun...but I think all we did was just delay the inevitable.

The sentiments that these three films convey will remain with me for the rest of my life. THAT IS A GIVEN! But I realize now that what I romanticized about all three movies ~ the decadence, the obsession, the unrequited love that would eventually pay off (haha), the control, the sex, etc ~ are all completely opposite of what I need in my life right now, at 35 years old. I find it interesting how that message was RIGHT THERE all along, in each movie ~ yet in my teens, I completely took the wrong ideals from each one and turned them into something I THOUGHT I needed in my life in order to be happy. And all because I was simply starved for stories and images of gay life that weren't easily accessible to an "in the closet" teen as they are now. Intriguing, isn't it?